The Train was Off the Rails Last Night!

The train wasn't literally off the rails last night, but the people on it Midas Whale have been. After working a day back at the office, my parents graciously took me to dinner, the first real one I've had in about three weeks. It was delicious, especially because it was accompanied by two vodka sodas! The Maine Lobster Risotto simply melted in my mouth. I was on cloud nine; I finally had a full stomach! What could go wrong?

The train ride. The train at 8 p.m. on a Thursday shouldn't be a shitshow, but boy was it ever! It all started with my suspiciously short wait at the platform. The train was pulling up as I was walking up the stairs (escalator). I knew that had to be a sign that things were too good to be true. Nobody lucks out like that, especially with the red line.

As I hopped on the train at Quincy Adams, I realized I was the only one in the car. Awesome, I thought, I'll just spread out on the seats while trying to take a nap. I sang "I'm the only one on the train" in my head. It was a wondrous time. Me, the red line, and some relaxation.

Life, as I knew it, was about to take a turn for the worst. At the next stop, two classic Massachusetts junkies hopped aboard, the only ones to get on the last car because I forgot that's where the weirdos sit. As far as a description of these people, you know what I'm talking about. The girl looked like she had just told her motha that she was going to get some Oxys and the dude had a blonde mohawk. They were about 40 years old. No big deal, I thought, they'd surely not want to sit near me, a regular person.

Wrong again! The lowlifes proceeded to sit directly across from me. Not only did they sit near me, they started to involve me in conversation.

"Hey buddy, look at this! Hey! HEY!"

I finally take my headphones out of my ears, petrified to see whatever is on this man's phone.

"You like that??"

I did not like what he was showing me, for it was his arrest record. I smiled like an idiot and nodded, putting my headphones back in my ears. This time, I kept the music off because I wanted to make sure they weren't planning on robbing me. I'd like to think I could kick someone's ass that was high on heroin, but I would for sure lose to someone who had just smoked crack. Had to keep the ol' guard up.

It may be time for a disclaimer. I presently look kind of homeless because of how big my beard is. I think that's the reason these people were talking to me. Kind of like a, "oh, hey, one of us!" situation. Pretty messed up if you ask me.

After about 30 minutes of sitting in paralyzing fear across from these people, they got off at Downtown Crossing, to no one's surprise. I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders, but my journey had only just begun.

Upon entering Park St., I looked around for the C train. I waited a few minutes for it to arrive and merrily hopped on, excited to get back to my apartment that currently doesn't have heat. Before I could get on the train, this crazy lady almost mowed me down on a bicycle. I was a bit rattled.

I was even more rattled when I saw her approach the door of my train. She immediately started screaming for the driver to help her with her "mobility device," which was, again, just a bike. After that 10 minute charade was over, we started along below the wonderful buildings that make up the Boston skyline.

At the next stop, a man tried to get in and had some trouble. He immediately realized that this was because Mobility Device lady is in his way. The man, with no fear of reprocussions, shouts, "BIKES DON'T BELONG ON THE FUCKING GREEN LINE!" I shouted back, "Hey buddy, it's not a bike, it's a mobility device!" Just kidding, I'm not a psychopath and I totally agreed with what he was saying, even if he was about 5'2.

A man in his 40's stood next to me as we zoomed through the tunnels under Beantown. He stood next to two girls in their early 20's. The girls started joking around and the man joined. It was all in good fun. I turned my music down to listen to what they were saying. What happened next left my jaw on the floor.

"You guys are so entertaining, but you're so loud. Maybe it'd be best if you moved somewhere else."

MID 40's GUY DROPPED THE HAMMER ON THOSE TWO POOR GIRLS! I could not believe my ears. They both looked at him in shock, then turned to me. I had one of those smiles that kind of resembled this:

I didn't know how to react. A full minute later, the dude leans over and says, "I'm just playing around!" Sure you are, pal. You just realized you were a huge asshole to some girls that obviously were trying to lighten everyone's mood. This is the damn train. No one wants to be on the train, ever. Just wild.

The sequence of events is not quite done. After the girls got off the train, a woman in her mid 40's got on. I was standing near the window, gripping to the overhead bar. I know what you're thinking: you need to hold onto something? Really? Yes, I do. I used to know how to subway surf, but that was the old me. Anyhoo, I gave her a friendly smile and realized this was a huge mistake.

The lady did not look away from me for the duration of the ride. It was about 10 or 12 solid minutes of her looking straight into my eyes. I looked down once to confirm my suspicions, and there you have it, right into my eyes. I don't know if I've ever been so uncomfortable in my life. Is this what women feel like when men stare them down? If so, sign me up for that never.

Finally, I reached my stop and walked home. Just as I suspected, the heat was not on and I nearly froze myself to death in my sleep. I don't think I'll ever forget last night. It was something straight out of a horror movie.



PS: Don't count out the Sox. Just don't. But, you can count out JBJ if you want. Fine by me.