Joey Chestnut is a Loser

Look at that picture. Just give it a looooong, good look. Does that picture scream "American athlete" or does it scream "I wasn't able to be successful in anything else in life so I punish my body by eating 70 hot dogs every year"?

He's clearly in an immense amount of pain. He's not making a lot of money for winning the hot dog eating contest, either ($10,000 for first place according to Sporting News). Sporting News also lists his net worth at about $800,000. Hey Joey, ever heard of just getting a job? It would be way less painful and detrimental to your body, dude.

From here on out, I am going to go on an old man rant and I couldn't care less that I sound like a Twitter egg.

Chestnut has been punishing his body for 12 years so people can remember he exists for EXACTLY one day a year: July 4. Do I hate the hot dog eating contest? No, I'm not un-American. I just hate his smug ass face getting introduced by the weird commissioner, George Shea, every year. If you don't know who I'm talking about, it's the guy in the weird hat. Here are some examples of him getting the crowd riled up:

I'm not gonna get into the fact that this commissioner was basically the downfall of Takeru Kobayashi, the real people's champ. I could draw out that hate in another seventeen paragraphs, but you could save yourself the strain of reading my shitty writing and just watch the most recent ESPN 30 for 30 on the hot dog eating contest. Long live Kobayashi, robbed by a man who wanted an American to be the face of competitive eating, smushing the career of the real champ.

Back to the issue at hand! Chestnut could not be more of a wet blanket. The only electric thing about him is the introduction given to him by a man who hates everyone that isn't from the USA. Ho hum, kinda racist if you ask me. But you won't hear Joey say that! #RacistByAssociation

I could care less about how "impressive" his feats are, because if you ask me, it's just fuckin' disgusting. Am I supposed to be in awe of how many hot dogs you can eat? No, I won't be. Hot dogs are gross and he's famous for just eating gross cookout food at an ungodly rate. Pass, no thanks.

You know what I'm impressed with? Vlad Jr. hitting absolute MOONSHOTS at the Home Run Derby. You can be a fat guy in that sport and still dominate. Plus, you make WAY more money playing baseball and you probably will live longer.

My last point: Jimbo and I took the under of 71.5 hot dogs eaten by the winner in the contest. We threw $100 on it and won $180. We knew Joey was an ass and we were rewarded for our hate. He ate 71 hot dogs, which is disgusting but it did make our pockets fatter.

Anyway, that's my rant. End scene.

Encore scene: If anyone who is a writer and thinks they're funny or interesting wants to start writing for the blog, let me know. I'm trying to expand the content put out on this site and maybe put it into outer space with popularity. Odds are you have my number or Facebook, so let me know with some samples.