My Trash Eyes Continue to Be Trash

Dr. T.J. Eckleberg

I feel like a blindo on the regular. My eyes have not been the same ever since I developed a crippling addiction to computer and phone screens. I can't see far, I can't see close, and I can't see in between. I just can't see.

If you're thinking that I need to renew my prescription, think again! I don't have one. Openly letting the world know you have dumpy eyes is a bad move. Glasses are for suckers. I'd rather be called blind than four-eyes.

I have to say, being blind is a nice kind of ignorance. You can ignore people on the street and blame it on your trash eyes. People always accept that answer. "Pat, I was waving at you today and you ignored me!" Nope. Well I probably did but I definitely couldn't make out who was waving. Once you drop the bad sight excuse, people feel bad for you. It's a fool proof plan.

Fun fact, I was once hit in the eye with a line drive at batting practice and I thought my life was over. I was convinced I was gonna be blind in my left eye for the rest of my life. I couldn't open my eye all the way for like three hours. I also thought my nose was broken, shoutout to Dole. (He once hit me in the nose with a pool torpedo and I cried.)

I had to go to the hospital because they thought I detached my retina or something. Not good. To top it all off, this was right after the Marathon Bombing so there were dudes on top of SWAT trucks with automatic rifles everywhere you looked. Not the best time to have to go to a Boston hospital. Anyway, here's a pic of me about a minute and a half after the ball clocked me in the face. You're welcome.

Totally thought I was blind

While all of this blind talk is great, I may have a new serious problem. For days my right eye has been sore. I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things, so naturally I ignored the problem in hopes that it would magically go away. That obviously didn't happen and now my eye is kind of puffy and red.

In a classic turn of events, I asked my mom if she noticed anything wrong with my eye and naturally she picked the wrong eye and said that it was puffy. Nope. It's definitely the one that is folding over into my field of vision.

Anyway, I'm sitting here and it feels like there is something in my eye. Do you know how frustrating it is to have that feeling and not being able to get it out? Every time I touch it, it gets worse. I can't fix this once minor inconvenience and it is turning into the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Not sure if I'm gonna die or not. If I do, you know what to do (buy a damn t-shirt). If I don't die, I will probably forget that this happened in a few weeks. It's kind of a win-win if you ask me.

A special shoutout goes to my secret blind crew, although I'm not sure if there are many of us out there. It's okay to have shitty eyes, it happens to all of us. Only the strong can power through it and use it as the world's best excuse. I'll let you know what happens in the coming days.

Also, I know what you're thinking. I'm not Bob Costas. I don't have pink eye. Weirdos.


Buy a damn shirt, I have three of them on sale now. Support the cause!
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=w_bl_sl_s_ap_web_7141123011?ie=UTF8&node=7141123011&field-brandtextbin=Boof+Stubby