Train Fights: Not a Great Idea

(You really only have to watch the first minute and a half to understand the rest of this post.)

My dad showed me this video when he got home from work. My mom was none too pleased to see Small Man get beat on by King of the Subway. At first, this looked like a classic train fight between two guys that just don't get along. When I thought about it, it became much more. Let's dive in!

The first mistake for Small Man was staying in the fight when King of the Subway dropped his bags and rolled up his sleeves. This man's head was damn near touching the roof of the train. That should have been enough for Small Man, who was closer to the ground than the ceiling, to think, "Hey, maybe this isn't worth it. Maybe I should swallow my pride and move to the other side of the train." Maybe he thought that he could dethrone the king in a David v. Goliath way. Maybe, just maybe.

Or, maybe not. Seven seconds into the video, we see a vicious punch-slap to the face of our challenger. He does not seemed to be too phased, which I give him props for. If someone who is built like Rob Gronkowski hits me like that, I'm probably gonna go ahead and cut my losses. Still, our gnat stands his ground.

What happens next is gold, and you may miss it when you are deeply focused on the battle of the ages. Pay attention to the woman who calmly gets up, grabs her bags, and realizes that none of this is any of her business. She is all of us. We can all identify with Aunt Calm Bag Lady. She has the most sense out of anyone on the train that day.

Small Man takes more than his fair share of ruthless uppercuts before slumping on the subway chair like he had just injected a bad batch of heroin. King of the Subway takes this opportunity to establish his dominance by saying, "WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?"

At this point, I would have pooped my pants and, again, realized that this was a battle that has no good ending for me. Instead, the challenger decides to give a half-dazed, smart-ass remark to the Goliath. This would prove to be the beginning of the end.

Four uppercuts and five "Don't play with me!"'s later, Small Man decides that he should maybe shut up. OR SO WE THOUGHT!

The blood pouring from the man's mouth does not seem to deter him in the least. He may have a future career in boxing if he ever learns how to get a punch in on the other guy. Small Man stumbles to the King, seemingly still running his mouth like he isn't aware that this is already the worst beating I've seen this week.

Now we hear the first deterrent to the fight when Camera Woman decides it's a good time to chime in and say, "Don't hit him! Don't hit him!" Ummm hey lady, I think you should have yelled this after he Diddy Bopped into the chair 25 seconds ago. But, again, that's just me.

Folks, what we see next is what we in the boxing bizz call a knockout. King of the Subway starts off by pulling a classic move, jumping at the challenger like he's going to actually hit him. I can only assume this is to see if Small Man still has his wits about him and can still process the fact that he should move. Seeing that the senses are not totally gone, King hits him with, what I can only assume is, a CTE Mega-Punch.

Walking away, our winner yells, "COME ON BACK DOWN HERE YOUNG BOY!" Good job, but no thanks!

Thirty seconds later, the behemoth states that he is 50-some-odd years old. Not too shabby for someone who technically is on the decline of their life.

I will now wrap up what I have learned. Oh wait, I have learned absolutely nothing. This video has not taught me anything that I did not know. It has reiterated two things in my little brain. One, don't fight random people on the train. You never know when someone is going to open a can of whoop ass on you and leave you bloody on the floor, begging for the train to make the next stop. Two, don't fight people that have the size to dunk on LeBron James. Those two rules really shouldn't have to be told to anyone, but here I am, telling them to you.

The rest of the video is CTE-induced slurring by Small Man. He tries to step back at the big guy, but our hero knows that today is not the day to get a manslaughter case. I will say, Small Man did not totally lose my respect. Anyone who can talk shit after getting hit that hard has a special psycho wiring in their brain. I would not want to fight either of these dudes and it's pretty evident why.

Bottom line: subway fighting is BAD (but entertaining).