A Summertime Horror Story

Imagine this scenario: it's a warm summer day and your friend invites you to the local lake. It's much easier to make fond memories in the warm New England summer than it is when the temperature doesn't go above freezing for weeks. You seize the opportunity and say yes.

As you arrive, you notice that those weird bugs that only make noise when it's really hot outside are in full force. The birds are chirping. You're swatting huge swarms of gnats from your face. There's really nothing like a good day at the pond.

Maybe you're drinking a few beers, maybe you're fishing, or maybe you're just so bored that looking at a still body of water sounds like a good idea. Whatever, it doesn't really matter. We all know why you're really there. You're there to skip rocks.

Now you may be wondering: skip rocks? Why would adults do that? We're not six-years-old anymore. Look, I don't know. What I do know is this: when you get bored and are near a body of water with an ample supply of rocks, you try to skip them. Pond + Rocks = I'm Gonna Beat You in Skips. Guys being Dudes, I guess.

Any guy who played baseball or some sort of sport that required arm movement will immediately try to skip some damn rocks. There's no better feeling than when your rock is gliding over the murky water on its way to the middle, dodging ducks and lily pads alike.

You look for the legendary rocks, the ones that are so flat you could build a house on. For some reason, you make sure that it's smooth so you can get ample skips on that crisp, waveless water. You're ready to set the new world record.

You pick up that rock, show your buddy, and tell him that you're gonna see how far you can skip it. For some weird reason, it just seems like human nature to do this. He nods in approval, he knows what time it is.

You wind up your arm, you get ready to throw, and....Pain. An immense amount of pain. A rocket of misery shoots up your arm and stops at your neck. It seems to reverberate and make a new home in your elbow. You're not what you used to be, you think, remembering that you haven't thrown anything with a purpose in approximately four years. The disappointment at your own lack of physical ability is matched only by the sight of the rock splashing in the water.

No skips. You feel like an asshole.

"What could be worse than this?" you mutter to yourself as you try to find a rock that was as perfect as the first. One thing's for sure, your buddy probably isn't going to do much better. Maybe you will tap your beers together and *cheers* to the athleticism you once had in your younger days. That would be pleasant. You begin to form a smile, realizing that skipping rocks is a very dumb thing to do in the first place.

Half-giggling, you make eye contact with your friend. Your smiling stops abruptly when you see the look in his eyes. It's a cold, calculated one. One that means business.

You see him wind up. It's beautiful, you think to yourself, like Randy Johnson about to complete his perfect game. Damnit. You just know you're about to witness something special. A sinking feeling overwhelms your body...you are going to be out-skipped. You look, and you see this nightmare...

Tom Brady. Michael Jordan. Mohammed Ali. Wayne Gretzky. This guy. pic.twitter.com/wSlzILxfuR

— WTP Sports (@WTPsports) July 9, 2019

All hopes of having an enjoyable day are out the window. You're defeated. Your friend smiles, knowing damn well that you now feel like less of a man. He knows how to perfectly skip rocks! Who knows how to do such a mundane task this well?!

"Are all of my friends like this?" you think to yourself as you half-heartedly fist bump him before he reaches down and skips another rock 75 feet. He's pouring it on at this point, totally running up the score. Your mental health has never been worse than it is at this exact moment.

Imagine if you were there with a girl you were planning to impress! He would have made you look like a complete douchebag!

Now, there are only two options after seeing his world record skip: cease the friendship immediately or push him in the water and make it look like an accident. What's winning situation here? You can't be friends with this guy anymore, but you probably shouldn't kill him over his rock skipping ability. I'm pretty sure what my answer would be, but I don't want to have to make that drastic of a decision.

The moral of the story is this: if you're as good at skipping rocks as this guy, take a hike. Skip rocks in your own time. Don't make your friends feel bad because you have some God-like ability to effortlessly graze the water with rocks.

Also, yeah, I wrote all this about one Twitter video because I finally figured out how to embed tweets. Ho hum flex. Blog taken to the next level.