Florida: Not for the Weak

As I sit in my hotel room in Jacksonville, I have begun to ponder what it means to be a true Floridian. Does it mean doing so many hits of bath salts that you eventually chew a homeless man's face off? Do you have to be involved in rigging an election to get another Bush in the White House? Are you supposed to live on one of the million bridges or in one of the five million abandoned properties? I don't know, I've only been here a few days, so I can't say for sure.

Being in Florida is a lot like getting sent to prison, only this prison doesn't confine you with concrete walls. It confines you with its natural land borders. The city of Jacksonville sucks so much ass, I can't even begin to comprehend it. There is literally nothing to do here.

"Oh but Pat, Florida has Disney! That counts!" It absolutely does not count. Disney is great when you're 12 years old. When you're 22, paying over $100 a park just doesn't seem worth it at all. Call me a broke boi all you want, theme parks suck when its too hot and everything inside the park is just way too damn expensive.

The sports teams in this state? Hot garbage (except for the Jumbo Shrimp, shout out to them). I can see the Jaguars stadium from my hotel room and it's just making me think that Blake Bortles deserved so much better than to live in this abomination of a state.

Getting back to my original point, the entire state of Florida is five MILLION degrees every day. Don't fact-check that, just trust me. People who live here are certified psychopaths. I've had many Floridians (ick, gross name) try to tell me that I'm a psycho for dealing with the winters in Massachusetts. Uh, no dude. I don't deal with them at all. From the months of November to April I am not outside. I stay indoors and get fat like any sane person would. These people willingly spend time outdoors in the blistering heat. There's no wonder why the best football players come from Florida! You have to be absolutely insane to be outside when the sun is out.

My first day here I decided to take a stroll to my favorite store on the planet: 7-Eleven. I needed some refreshing Juul pods to keep me sane during my first week traveling by myself. The trip to the store was something straight out of an anti-heroin commercial. It was super sad to see how many people were homeless or just standing around like zombies. Wake up, Florida, your people are suffering and you're doing nothing about it.

I think the most normal thing I saw on my walk was a guy playing football by himself. He was just throwing rockets to nobody. He would then calmly walk over to the ball and fire another one in the opposite direction. I assume this is how Matt Stafford, Antonio Brown, and TY Hilton got so good. The grind never stops, baby.

Throughout the walk, I couldn't help but notice an absolutely pungent stench in the air. It was as if someone mixed deviled eggs with a fresh poop, sorry to be vulgar. Walking through it was like walking into a bathroom at a party after you know someone took a dump but they tried to play it off like they didn't, even though the seat is still warm. Oddly specific, yes, but now just imagine if that person was eating deviled eggs while trying to hide the mid-party poop and there you go. That was the smell. THAT was Jacksonville.

Opposite the drug addicts and soon-to-be football stars were the crazy people who thought that going for a nice jog was a good idea. Look, I'm sure you guys all have VERY good air conditioning here. Find a treadmill and get your work in there, for my sake, so I don't have to see you suffering from heat stroke on the side of the road. Common sense doesn't seem so common down here.

We were treated to a Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp game by the company that I work for. It was a great gesture, but it was NINETY SEVEN DEGREES AT FIRST PITCH. FIRST PITCH WAS AT 7:08 PM! I love baseball more than the average person and only ended up staying for 40 minutes. You just can't function in that type of heat. Something has to be wrong with you to enjoy that.

To top it all off, I'm dealing with an absolutely gruesome charity softball game injury. My leg is constantly bleeding. My foot is swollen and the side of my ankle is bruised. This isn't a complaint, it's just a fact. I am powering through this injury like a champion. Don't say that I'm EVER off my grind, because I'm not.

I am not impressed with what Florida has to offer. It seems that it's only heat, pain, and suffering. My only advice is this: get better, for your own sake, Florida. Jesus Christ.