I am the Whitest Dude You Know

Is the news that I'm 100% white sad? Is it expected? Is it racist I'm even going there? Let's find out!

This is an update blog to what I wrote a while back about me taking a DNA test for a Christmas Eve guessing game. The results poured in, and there was only one true Irishman standing: ME.

92% Irish
6% English
2$ Eastern European/RUSSIAN

That's right, I'm somehow the most Irish person on my mom's side of the family (whose last name happens to be McQuaid), clocking in at an ABSURD 92%. I think with those kind of numbers, I need to develop an accent ASAP.

As the title mentions, not only am I really Irish, but I'm just really white in general. In fact, I'm comically white. 100% white! (I know this doesn't make sense because we all came from Africa but I'm not a DNA expert.) I am willing to bet that me and Conor McGregor have the same bloodline. I guess it makes sense, seeing as though we're both losers who aren't that good at fighting.

Now, I don't want to come off as a Neo-Nazi because I am not proud of this. It's actually a little depressing that I'm whiter than sour cream. I thought I'd get thrown a bone and be some part minority for inclusivity's sake, but it wasn't in the cards for me. I can't even make an Elizabeth Warren joke. It's a sad time for me, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

I can, however, make a Russian collusion joke. Maybe I'm the mole that somehow got Trump elected via a vast system of propaganda and fake news in the 2016 presidential election cycle. Maybe it was my doing. Maybe I wanted to see our country run by a reality TV host. Me, Russian! Who would have thought! Maybe that's how I invented the signature VodWod™. More on this wonderful drink (vodka and water) in a future blog. 

Counterpoint to myself: I could be the newest Bond villain. I'm pretty sure that those dudes were always Russian, but that might be based solely off the fact that I used to play the video game James Bond 007: From Russia With Love. I assume that game was based in Russia.

Let's rewind to my Irish roots. If we're going the chaotic route, I theoretically could be the new leader of the IRA, although I'm still not 100% sure if they were good people or bad. I digress. All I know is that SAMCRO used to run guns for those guys and Sons of Anarchy was badass.

I end this blog with a message to those who are thinking of getting their DNA tested: don't do it. Not only am I not that surprised with the results, I am now definitely in some FBI database that tracks my DNA for the rest of my life. Edward Snowden was right, we're all being watched. Can't believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book: willingly spit in a tube and give the government all the information they need.

Good night.