The Plymouth Rock SUCKS

If you're from Massachusetts, you know that the Plymouth Rock is the biggest scam in the history of the United States. Bernie Madoff has nothing on this fake rock that no one cares about. Apparently, people travel across the US to see this stupid pebble. What a waste of time, money, and energy. This thing sucks ass and I'm sorry if you've ever seen it.

I have done nothing on this Saturday night other than drink my signature VodWod™ so I will be going in depth into this subject, whether you care about it or not. I also don't care if this doesn't make much sense. It is on my mind and I want it off as soon as possible.

My gripe with this rock was reignited after I found an old text from 2015 where I texted Cousin Russell this:

"no theres know way of knowing. it was authenticated by a guy who was 92 in the latter half of the 1700s and wasnt even born when the mayflower got here. he just pointed it out and cried and was like yup thats it. 1. they would have never tried to come ashore next to a rock in december 2. the rock would have been way far away from actual water because of erosion and shit now it's close 3. no chance this dude had his sanity at 92 4. it now looks like this..."

I'm not 100% sure that everything I said that night was factually correct. But lets say that all of my facts are correct, for arguments sake. Odds are, I had a few beers and got irrationally angry about this subject, which I am currently doing.

Anybody who is 92 definitely doesn't know what is going on. They can't be trusted as a source. There's a negative infinity chance they remembered what stupid rock the PILGRIMS landed on in the 1600's. Even if it was a situation where the story was passed down from generation to generation, real facts get lost. I don't trust this dude (I say dude because the founding fathers weren't super kind to women in those days) at all. He is the original fake news. He probably just wanted to be remembered for something when he died and it was a stupid rock. Congrats, idiot. You've misled multiple generations of gullible Americans.

I make some good points in my text to Cousin Russell. Who is crash landing on a Massachusetts beach in DECEMBER? No one, that's who. The Pilgrims probably landed in December, but I gotta assume they had their hands tied up with other things. There is no chance that some crew member went out of his way to show everyone which rock they hit when they landed. There's no chance anyone cared that much. If it was December, people were probably more worried about freezing to death than they were about designating some stupid rock as their landing monument. 

The biggest gripe I have with this is the whole erosion point I made. I don't study rocks or beach erosion, but I think the current placing of the rock would have been so far back on that beach that no ship would have been able to reach it. I assume that the crew did not crash land the Mayflower at the current location of the rock; rather, they took a small dingy-like boat and hit this "Plymouth Rock," which was actually a big rock that was eroded and washed into the sea. Either way, it doesn't make sense! The rock was probably 1,000 feet away from the shoreline when the Pilgrims hit the beaches of Plymouth. 

In response to my #3 point, I can't verify this man, at 92 years old, knew what he was talking about. When I'm 92, I'm probably just gonna be messing with people until I kick the bucket. I'll tell everyone that I when I was young, I used to watch black and white TVs and listened to FDR's Fireside Chats. When you're that old, nothing matters. I'm not even sure what his name was and I'm FOR SURE not looking him up to give him any credit. The Plymouth Rock sucks and it is all his fault. Bet he didn't plan on getting roasted by a blogger that gets <100 people reading a semi-consistent blog 400 years later, did he? Nope. 

I'm irrationally mad at this whole situation and I understand that. I sound like a crazy person preaching on the side of the road. But, am I really that crazy to think that the Pilgrims didn't care about what ROCK they hit when they reached the shore of America? I dunno, don't think so.

My final stance is this: the Plymouth Rock sucks and you should never go to it. The area around it is super cool but everything about the actual rock is a depressing sight. People throw pennies on it and act like this rock will make their wishes come true. Grow up, save your wishes for fountains. 

That's all I have to say about this matter. Thank you for your time.